If you know me at all, you would know I hate airplanes. Infact I hate flying. The fact I am always flying is just soooo annoying. I guess it borders on the fact I can’t sit on my ass for more than six hours straight hence travelling by road is just out of the question. As for sea, let’s not even get into that. NO THANKYOU VERY MUCH. Even if u gave me a free ticket with extra money on top, I wouldn’t accept so by default, air it is. I am going to take you through a day in my mind on a bad “air day”. Buckle up people!!!
PS: everything enclosed in the quotation mark is what’s going on in my mind/head ie a thought.
“1,2,3,4….” I’m counting my steps as I roll my hand luggage through the badly lit walk way that leads to the entrance of the plane. “Why can’t these air hostesses wear black for a change” you all know black is my best colour. “I don’t know why these hostesses think I am dumb. The seat numbers are written very plainly for me to see. Why do they have to tell me exactly where it is” by this time, my mood is foul. I proceed to my seat. After my hand luggage has been safely stowed away, I take my seat. I buckle up. Pilot proceeds to welcome us to the plane and thank us for choosing to fly with them. “Ewo!!! Dude can’t even speak english properly. Why the fuck is he flying this plane”. At this point, I am now nauseous. Air hostesses proceed to take us through all the safety procedures. “Why do they even waste our time with this ish. They know there will be extreme panic should there be any problem up there. When they have come up with a pod that we can get in before the plane crashes that will save us from the impact, they should wake me”. We are now ready for take off. “O my God its not my time yet o. I’m just letting u know” *shaky smile*
“Why is this plane tilted like this. O God O God O God. This shaking should please stop” at this point, I’m firmly gripping the seat right in front of me. “Jesus Jesus Jesus does the plane have a reverse button?” plane stops shaking. “Ahhhh better”. I look out the window. “Darn!! See those clouds. I hope this dude knows not to go near them o. I was not a cast in matrix for a reason and I don’t think he was o”. Ping!! The fasten seat belt sign gets switched off. “Yay!!!!!!!!! Atleast the pilot doesn’t think we will be experiencing any turbulence” I breathe in deeply and let it out. We soar. I say little prayers at every cloud we see. Hostess comes with snacks. I take nothing. I don’t want to add vomit cleaning to anyone’s job. We cruise.
Pilot announces that we will soon land. Cabin crew should please take their seats. Ping!! The fasten seat belt sign comes back on. Plane shakes. “Jesus Jesus Jesus. This plane can like to behave itself o”. More shaking. “God pls 4give me for all my sins”. Shaking stops. At this point, my eyes are firmly shut. I feel(you’d be amazed at the things you can feel with your eyes shut) the wheels come out. Plane is still shaking like its got epilepsy or something. I’m still firmly gripping the seat in front of me n praying like I belong to some prayer warrior camp. We land. I breathe. I switch on my phone asaply. “Open those doors lemme get out of here already”. Air hostess tells me goodbye I give her a murderous look. It takes all my willpower not to add the finger to that look. I roll my hand luggage out. Ahhhh!!! LAND.